


Buzzfeed Spectacular

by antipreps (lesbiangaz)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Buzzfeed: The Try Guys
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-14 02:13:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12997593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiangaz/pseuds/antipreps
Summary: Eugene takes over Buzzfeed and pisses off the wrong people. Together, Quinta, Ryan, and The Tall One plot to take him down and restore peace to the warehouse. Complete with absolute garbage shitpost writing!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> happy hanukkah nyall

Eugene had gone mad with power

everyone at buzzfeed knew this, especially quinta, because the “B” in quinta brunson stood for Be Knowin, but eugene was a fucking tyrant. An absolute madman

but this time.. .he had gone too far

he had banned buzzfeed unsolved

not that quinta Gave A Fuck, because she didnt, but Ryan was really pissed abt it. And if ryan was pissed abt something, that meant he would bitch nonstop about it in the break room, at her desk, and over text messages at two in the morning

which meant quinta was pissed about it

“You cant just BAN buzzfeed unsolved,” ryan cried for the sixteenth time tht week in eugenes office, the one that took up half the warehouse floor space and left the rest of them sharing desks and also chairs “thats my LIVELIHOOD. i need it for validation!”

eugene laughed his beautiful eugene laugh. “Too bad, Brian–”

“It’s Ryan”

“–Whatever. I can do what I want.”

It was true. he could do whatever he wanted. he ruled buzzfeed with an iron fist ever since all of their employers mysteriously disappeared.

“And what I want is to get rid of Buzzfeed Unsolved,” eugene said

And that was all quinta heard before she stopped caring

* * *

Ryan had called her into the break room later that day

“Buzzfeed unsolved is cancelled,” he said with no feeling left in his bones “my life is over.”

“Okay,” quinta said.

“I mean it…. i might as well die and become a ghost and then haunt buzzfeed forever…. can i do that actually?”

quinta didnt answer

“I dunno ryan,” said ryans tall Not Boyfriend, who quinta could never remember the name of, “Pretty sure if you haunted buzzfeed that would like…. ruin your reputation in the fake ghost world”

“What reputation…..” quinta said

Ryan started crying again

“Please ryan….” she said “you cant keep pulling me into the break room. some of us still have jobs.”

“What job do you do,” he said

“Slaying,” she said

And this was true, fore quinta would never be fired. She was just too beautiful, too perfect, too all encompassing of raw millennial energy……….. to fire her would only channel the dark forces of the world and possibly cause the apocalypse.

“He’s going to fire you anyway,” said the tall man

“He won’t,” quinta said

“He already fired half the try guys except the jewish one hes fucking--”

“happy hanukkah” said quinta, a queen

“……. he fired the whole fucking office except for those guys that always bring cake…”

“love those guys,” quinta said

“did he fire brent?” ryan asked

“who tf is brent”

shane broke into a cold sweat. brent was buried under his desk, beneath the floorboards. except not really bc the buzzfeed offices dont have floorboards and also i dont think he has feelings “i think brent is still here.”

Quinta felt a tap on her shoulder. it was zach, that other guy

“Eugene wants to see you,” he said

“what if i dont want to see him,” quinta said

Somehow, she apparated into his office anyway

Eugene sat in his desk, his hands blocked his evil smirk, a glow of a fireplace illuminating all the good parts of his face, which was every part

“hello, quinta,” he said, “long time no see”

“Do you leave this office?” she asked “to be a bitch, i’m just wondering”

he laughed and it still sounded hot “you kidder. you really do know how to roast someone into oblivion”

“what”

eugene ignored her “a humor like that would have made you…. so relatable” he clenched his fist “so loveable to all the teenage buzzfeed unsolved stans”

“But you cancelled Buzzfeed Unsolved.”

“Exactly! which unfortunatly means i will also have to let you go”

“Why are you doing this

“Buzzfeed is mine now. and i must be the only one stanned.” he smiled pitifully at her “i hope you understand. you can work for refinery29 or something”

“How fucking dare you say that to my face,” she spat

“Why not? they have decent snapchat stories”

“You disgust me. You and your shit taste”

Eugene raised his eyebrows and began pacing the floor “Oh, quinta… quinta, quinta, quinta…. you just made a grave mistake.”

“a whomst now”

“I was going to put in a good word for you,” he said, “but to say i have shit taste…. me, THE eugene lee yang, voted buzzfeed’s #1 sexiest man alive?”

“That was never a vote”

“YES IT WAS,” he snapped, “you’re on thin fucking ice quinta. i liked you as a person, as a coworker, but now………. the way you talk to me…… EUGENE LEE YANG? one more line like that and you won’t even be able to work for the Huffington post ”

Literal blasphemy. Quinta was so much better than the huffington post. she was even better than buzzfeed, definitely on clickhole levels of internet royalty. But Eugene threatened this. She debated in her head, whether or not to call him out, whether or not to address his insecurities like his ego or his incredibly beautiful face and cute dogs, except those last two weren’t really insecurities so maybe nevermind. her fist pulsated as she clenched it. what to do. what to do.

“at least the huffington post can sometimes be considered a news source.” she said

Eugene grimaced, pulled a lever next to his desk, and suddenly she was back in the break room.

“holy shit,” the tall one said

“What happened to you?” askedth ryan. “was it ghosts? did the ghosts kidnap you? do they have some kind of message for me? do you want my spirit box??”

Quintas face was stone cold. Without even moving a muscle, she changed the history of buzzfeed

“i just got fired,” she said, “and mark my fucking words, it wont be for long”


	2. Chapter 2

Quinta spent her last three dollars at a coffee shop

and she really regretted it, like _really really_ regretted it, because ryan and the Tall Guy followed her there, and now they wouldnt shut up

“out of a job… out of a home…. out of a lifestyle…. woe is me…” ryan said, shaking his head in defeat “im going to have to go back to being heterosexual”

Quinta rubbed her temples and did a shot of a sugar packet

Tall man took a sip of his coffee “you know we could uhhh always stay together like… in the winchester house or the queen mary or something i mean we have the sleeping bags and--”

“and get possessed in my sleep??? no thank you”

“possessions arent real,” he said, “thats a lie the catholic church made up to sell Jesus merch.”

“Wow,” ryan huffed, “Next you’re gonna say the exorcist is fucking fake, even though you KNOW they have it on video.”

“It’s a movie,” Quinta said

“that’s what they want you to think.”

Quinta was running out of not only sugar packets but her sanity. She didn’t even know why she was still there. Perhaps in part because she, 2, was lonlee? and maybe mourning the loss of her job, just a little bit

She wondered if you could snort Sweet & Low

“No offense to you, shane, but im really craving some ghost dick right now,” ryan sobbed

Holy fuck.

shane (that was his name! right) patted ryan on the shoulder, tenderly, like a delicate chicken, with gentle meaty slaps “that’s understandable, ryan……. you do what you have to do.”

“i love you for understanding. no homo.”

“no homo,” shane crossed his fingers

This had to stop. This had to _stop._ Quinta couldn’t take anymore. She just couldn’t do it.

“Okay honestly? im sick of being unemployed, “ quinta said, wiping the sugar away from her upper lip, “we have to get back to buzzfeed.”

“it’s been half an hour,” shane said

“EXACTLY. do yall…. understand what half an hour is like with people who arent you?”

“no,” ryan said, “i haven’t spent a minute without shane in over a year.”

“We share three organs,” shane said

“holy shit,” quinta said

* * *

“im thinking of….. rebranding…”

eugene said this to zach, his only office friend left and the only one legally allowed in his office for reasons other than termination. Zach nodded, as he always did with Eugene, these days. He didnt know how else to handle him.

“Yes…. rebranding….” Eugene said, “Buzzfeed is too… mainstream! i mean, who is this buzz? And why do i want him on my feed?”

Zach wasnt entirely sure that was correct, but Eugene had also banned Google, so he couldn’t even look it up. The official office Search Engine was Bing.

And Zach would rather die than use Bing.

“No… instead… i’m thinking of something that really represents me…….” Eugene’s eyes got wide, a true visionary. “I’ll call it……. EUGENEFEED”

“people could read that as like…. eugenics feed.”

“SILENCE, foolish human of inferior attractiveness!” eugene said and zach twas silenced “eugenefeed is the wave of the future”

“how?”

“It will just be beautiful pictures of me…………. the teens will think its relatable”

“Being beautiful isnt relatable, eugene.”

“......you have a point….”

* * *

“Y’ever wonder what that asshole is,” ryan hiccuped, his head nestled snugly in shane’s lap “DOING to our buzzfeed?”

They were now in quinta’s apartment, and because, fuck life and also being alive, they had decided to steal all of quinta’s remaining cheap alcohol. And by they, i mean ryan and shane

“it hasnt even been a day,” quinta said, “how bad could he possibly mess up.”

Shane pulled up a video on his phone with one hand (The newest content from Eugene feed), the other hand stroking ryan’s hair heterosexually.

Eugene’s stupidly sexy face greeted them, saying “hello, and welcome to EugeneFeed Unsolved….. this episode….. we investigate why I am so fucking gorgeous….”

Zach, the only reminaing cameraman, gave a thumbs up.

“THIS IS BLASPHEMY,” ryan sobbed, “my hard work reduced to……. EUGENEFEED”

He downed another bottle of rubbing alcohol. Quinta stared at the nonexistant camera

“I’m going to KILL HIM,” ryan said

“Are you,,,, serious?” quinta said

Surprisingly enough, she was not opposed 2 the idea. murdering eugene…….. that was something she wanted to do right now. she didnt care about her job that much. because it was buzzfeed, but how dare he leave her without money for good drinks? and how dare he force her to find solidarity in shane and ryan?

“I’m down,” said shane “sounds like a…. fun idea time.”

“Normally id be writing that down in the ‘demon shane evidence archive’, but right now,,,,, i am so happy you’re on my side,” ryan said

“wait,” quinta said

“anyuways, i think we’re all in agreement here…. eugene lee yang must die”


	3. Bitcoin-A-Thon, part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zach is a lot more involved in this than i originally anticipated.... its a shock for all of us, i believe

“bitcoin fundraiser,” shane said , “that’s how we get our jobs back.”

‘what,” ryan said

Hour seventeen of not having a job. It was six a.m. now, and Shane and Ryan still hadnt left quintas apartment. Quinta had tried many things; at one point she sprayed them both with bug spray (or febreze, but who can remember ??), but no. she wondered if they actually did live anywhere or that the rumor that they slept in the studio was true.

“a bitcoin fundraiser,” shane repeated, “bitcoins are all the rage with kids these days. Its the only currency they use because the founding fathers were canonically racist”

“this is true,” quinta said

“Exactly! anyways, do you remember when like…. PBS would have phone fundraisers where people would like call in and Paypal their money, except without paypal cause it didnt exist?”

“No because im not old.”

“TELETHONS. That’s what they were called…. anyways, yea. we’re having one of those. today.”

“WHAT,” ryan said, again

Shane didnt show any emotioin. He calmly and casually kept looking through his phone, as if it would distract Quinta from the fact he was rubbing his foot up and down Ryan’s legs very unsubtly

“in like two hours,” he said, “so be ready”

“when the hell were you planning on telling us??” quinta asked

“Uhh……. now i guess.”

“But–” ryan said

“Don’t worry. It’s all taken care of…’ shane said

“Where–”

“I rented us a Costco” he said “and by rented i mean we’re just stealing a free sample table”

“a costco….”

“yes. it is a warehouse, just like our old office… it should remind us of home. also we don’t have any money.”

“ _We_?” quinta said

“Ryan spent the last of his money on gay porn and rubbing alcohol.” shane said

“god, does it sting….” ryan said

* * *

Costco was ugly

Shane had summoned a free sample table for them, probably demonically, and gave them a laptop and a headset, also summoned

“so uhhh, one of you should probably take the calls, and one of you should do the bitcoin thing”

“what the hell is your job then,” quinta asked

“Im supervising,” shane said

Ryan didnt really know what the hell a bitcoin was, but quinta Been Knew that, so shane put her in charge of pretty much everything. quinta was okay with this because she knew damn well that if she didnt do it, nothing would ever get done right

“So ive set up a hotline,” shane said, “and a Paypal but for Bitcoins, or however you trade bitcoins--that thing. People will give you their bitcoins. Hopefully, we’ll raise at least 1.”

“they’re like 16k tho” quinta said

“one half then.”

Shane set up a camera, broadcasting live to all of their loyal teenage stalkers

“Hello,” ryan said, “nd welcome to buzzfeed unsolved---”

he began crying uncontrollably, mourning into quintas shoulder. quinta gave the camera a look.

“Um… help us buy back buzzfeed from eugene lee yang,” she said. Her eyes darted down to Ryan once again, “ _Please_.”

“We need bitcoins!” Shane said, “lots and lots of bitcoins. But not legal currency, because that can be traced.”

Quinta didnt even bother responding to that. Instead, the calls started pouring in, Ryan trying his absolute hardest not to be too depressioning on the line.

“Hi…… welcome to Costco………………………..i mean....Bitcoin-A-Thon,... you wish to donate .004 bitcoins? Let me put you through to quinta.”

And quinta would take the phone, which basically rendered him irrelevant.

* * *

“did you hear the bullshit they’re up to THIS time.”

Eugene aggressively downed fruity alcohol drinks as he looked off into the distance. Zach didnt even know why he was there at this point. like, eugene would talk to him every so often, but he wouldnt really have to say anything? sometimes, if he really wanted to like, get some takeout, he would just replace himself with a desk chair. Eugene didnt seem to notice.

But this time, shit was getting interesting

“A live bitcoin fundraiser…..” Zach said in astyonishment. “isnt that like, what they used to do back on PBS or?”

“Yes… a telethon. 90’s kids remember,” said Eugene, “they’re asking for Bitcoins…. isnt that,..... HILARIOUS”

“you dont seem to find it very funny.”

“YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I DONT FIND IT FUNNY. Making a mockery out of EugeneFeed…. what do they even plan to do with those bitcoins…”

“Uhhh…. i dunno, bitcoins are usually used for some pretty…. sketchy illegal stuff.”

“....They’re trying to kill me…”

Zach kinda didnt blame them. Like, he did love Eugene… regrettabley, but he did. Eugene just was kind of fucking crazy these days. He was pretty sure that when Shane got fired, that he threatened to kill Eugene himself, so why this was a shock to anyone, Zach did not know

“Zach!” Eugene slapped his palms to his desk, which admittedly kinda sorta turned Zach on a whole lot “what shall we do about the betrayal transpired in this bitch”

“Well,” Zach said, “id google it, but you banned that”

“yahoo answers it…”

“fuck yahoo…….” zach said (may they crumble to bits in the fire of their own creation) “Im gonna use the best search engine…. the brain of Zach Kornfeld…”

“It’s a brain id like to pick,” eugene similed sexileiy

“Bitcoin is an online currency….. correct?

"i dont know anything about bitcoins."

"okay, well, its like chuck e cheese tokens but online. and if somethings online......... we can hack it. just saying."

"ohh.... zach," eugene licked his lips "i really like the way you think"

* * *

Shane and ryan had disappeared

Earlier, quinta may or may not have told ryan to fuck off, because he started bitching and moaning about buzzfeed and how “we were gonna do an unsolved where we took all the gay buzzfeed quizzes, did you know that?” and quinta just had to stop him. So he left and then quinta took all the calls, and then shane decided he “wasnt really needed anymore” and also just kind of fucked off.

Which was bad, because whatever kinda energy shane had been putting on this thing had left right along with him

The bitcoins were dwindling before her very eyes

She gasped. .04 bitcoins to .002 bitcoins to .0000001 bitcoins to nothing in less than a minute. She was shocked. Every single donation… gone.

Her phone dinged; a text from Eugene

_“oh no, quinta, looks like your fundraiser wont work out….”_

Eugene had fucking hacked them.

* * *

“Uhhh… we’ll be right back after these short messages,,,,,,” quinta said….”and our special guest star….. umm….. someone else from buzzfeed….”

Ned appeared almost instantly in front of her, suspieicously, but was probably not a demon. Straight people just Be Like That, perpetually at a Costco. Quinta was grateful for allies

“Hello, my name is Ned Blondeman, former Buzzfeed Employee!” he smiled like he was incapable of moving his face in any other expressions “I was recently fired from my job as a Try Guy by my ex-friend Eugene, but at least that lying bastard can’t fire me from my wife!”

Quinta left and moved up and down the Costco, her eyes scanning across the giant boxes on shelves in horrible shades of traffic cone orange, but mostly the free samples which she took full advantage of.

Suddenlee, a noise… a soft muffled moaning from the very back of the store, in the dangerous part, where it was dark and cold and quiet….. quinta was concerned…..did somebody get fucking stabbed?

She walked towards it, _slowly_ , not because she was a pussy, but just to savor the delicious chocolate-covered berries in her white paper cup. Her footsteps were bass boosted as she grew closer, the moaning getting louder… creepier…. _very familiar_.

At this point, quinta should have turned back. She should have turned back and also probably applied for the onion, but no…. she was so close, it was right in front of her, inside the giant crate of cantaloupes

The cantaloupes moved

Quinta, closing her eyes, kicked the cantaloupes over. When she opened them, not only was the floor now covered in the fruity balls, but also in two, very annoying and very naked friends of hers.

it was Shane and Ryan, having sex in the produce section.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear ao3 user jkiddiing... shane and ryan did fuck. comments really do matter<3


	4. Bitcoin-A-Thon, part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM REALLY SORRY i forgot to update last night.... i had a lot of presentations that day and also i lost track of time playing doki doki literature club with the Squad. but hey, its hanukkah and i wont let yall down... so heres yesterday's chapter

“i dont believe this,” quinta said, “you two were having sex???? in the _ produce section _ ?”

“in all fairness,” shane said “the frozen food section was cold.”

What was possibly most shocking about this whole event was not the fact they hooked up, (because like, whomst was surprised? that’s what quinta thought “away trips” were for), but the fact that they had done it the fucking froots and vegtables. That bacteria……..Ryan, the guy who carries around a fucking holy water gun, would let that slide?

“You do realize like, you can get diseases and stuff if you have sex with fruits,” quinta said “you know that, right?”

“we didnt have sex with the fruit. we had sex On the fruit.”

Amazingly, people were still buying the Tainted cantaloupes, fore it was difficult to find any decent fruit at costco, and people had to be highly selective. Also, straight people just Didnt Care.

“Well, now we got hacked, and its all your fucking faults, so.   


“what do you MEAN we got hacked,?” ryan said, standing up

“please put pants on,” quinta said

ryan grabbed a cantaloupe. quinta was grateful there were no grapefruits in sight

“anyways” she said, “eugene stole all our bitcoins.”

“great… now we’re naked AND broke.”

“Wait, did you stop the fundraisre?” shane asked

“no.’” quinta said “i left Ned in charge of it”

* * *

“Well, this sucks”

apparently, while they were gone, ned had done everyone the big fat favor of perishing.

He lay, ded on the warehouse floor, still smiling for some reason. 

on the bright side, they had raised .00006 more bitcoins

“quinta…” ryan said, quivering “did u… did you kill him?”

“no i didnt fucking kill ned!!!” she said “he was alive when i left him”

“its ned…” shane said “we can never be too sure”

“I Swear…. he was talking about his wife and everything”

It grew very quiet 

“we should probably turn the camera off,” ryan said

“maybe it could still raise us some money--” shane said

“never mind, quinta said. She held up the laptop. Bitcoin Paypal drained once agaen. “its fucking gone. its all fucking gone.”

Quinta looked at shane “this is all your fucking fault”

“Me? How is it my fault…. ryans the one who left in the first place.”

“I dont care… ryans too stupid to do anything mean on purpose”

ryan tried to fight it but it was true… he was too fucking stupid

“--and by the way, YOU’RE the one who left to go fuck him”

“well,” shane said, “at least i didnt kill ned”

“I DIDNT KILL NED”

“do you have…. proof?”

Another text notification. from a “Dont Answer (It’s Eugene)”, in the form of a youtube link to  _ “We Try Assassinating A Try Guy! (Not Clickbait)” _

“....not very compelling…” shane said

ryan, a total cuck, agreed “Shane’s right…. hard evidence? That’s not convincing enough… you know what we need? A necromancer…”

“what” quinta said

“That way, we can ask NED who killed him”

quinta looked at the camera, not even rolling anymore. But she felt like the teens Knew. they understood her….. the pure emptiness she felt right now. Her patience? Gone. this was just… too much. She just couldn’t. Also, Ned Juices were getting all over her shoes, and that was weird.

“look…. my mom didnt raise me to be a fucking dumbass, so im gonna have to take a hard pass to that,” she said “but hey…. if you wanna get fucking jumped in a costco… be my guest”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i called you a cuck ryan bergara. ur definitely a chad :(


	5. The Salt Circle

Quinta felt…. relief

It was the first time in at least 36 hours that shane and ryan werent near her. she could finally hear herself think, and a wave a bliss washed over her when she remembered that people could think, and that shane and ryan were an an-om-ioli or however the fuck you spelled that

her couch was her own now. she spread out, blest to not have to share it with shane’s bean-sprout limbs or drunk and needy ryan bergara

_the life_

But she knew that when they would inevitably get sick of costco, when theyd realize there was absolutely nothing there except moldy fruit and Lifetime Supplies of monster condoms, that they would come crawling back to her.

Quinta was not about that Hospitality anymore.

Suddenley, something knocked on the door of her apartment. Quinta sighed. She had literally JUST said in narration that she did! not! want! company! Especially shane and ryan. And if it was shane and/or ryan, or even anyone who vaguely resembled the two, she would punch them (sorry to any six-out-of-ten UPS workers who accidentally got fucking decked).

* * *

 “what if we do get fuckin jumped in a costco,” ryan said, “is that a thing that can happen”

“nobody dies in costco,” shane said

“ned did.”

shane paused “Nobody normal dies in costco”

8 pm, and ryan was already losing it. they hadn’t even gotten a necromancer yet. They just sat awkwardly, shoulders pressed up against each other and ned’s corpse in between them ruining all of the fun.

he flopped down to the floor again

“So im confused,” shane said “is necromancing the thing where you have sex with the–”

“NO,” ryan said, flabbergastrointestined “its when you like revive the dead”

“so like……… wake me up inside?”

“dont make fun of the sacred art of necromancing.”

“Im dead serious,” shane laughed “dead. lol–”

“Shut up, shane.”

* * *

for whatever reason, zach showed up at Quintas apartment.

“Ur trying to get rid of shane and ryan, right?” he said instead of ‘hello’ or even ‘sorry to bother you this eight of thirty p.m.’

“....how did you know?” she asked.

“Its what the rest of us had been trying to do ever since Buzzfeed Unsolved aired.”

He stood in her doorway with a Monster(™)  energy drink, the Buzzfeed equivalent of chocolates and flowers and groveling at the feet of your superiors, and a drawstring bag with msyteerious bumps in it around his shoulders

“So what the fuck do you want,” she said, finally.

“I wanna help. I owe you one, after all, for letting me win the impressions contest two years ago. also, eugene wanted ‘alone time’,”

“‘alone time’....?”

“Yes…… instead of being normal, eugene masturbates to pictures of himself and that’s what ‘breaks’ are now at eugenefeed”

“holy shit,” quinta said “r u ok?”

“Im not okay,” zach shed a singel tear “i promise”’

Disgusted and taking sorrow on the poor, less attractivee try guy, quinta opened her door and invited him in.

“So, im pretty busy these days,” he said “what with being supervisor, cameraman, and head security guard of Eugenefeed… i dont have a lot of time anymore. But sometimes, inbetween the three minutes of sleep i get… i have… a revelation.”

he swung the drawstring bag onto her coffee table and sat on her couch.

“thats my couch,” quinta said “and i havent been able to have it to myself in two days”

“i havent been able to sit down in two days,” zach said

Quinta didnt say anything, but allowed him to continue sitting

“anyways,” he said “so ive been doing some Research in my spare time,,,, between old archives and Yahoo Answers….. and… do u remember the episode of buzzfeed unsolved where Shane and Ryan went to the goatman’s bridge?”

“no, i have taste”

“Right….. .anyways, they used a Luigi board and had to create a salt circle….. but shane insisted there was an opening.”

“okay,” quinta said, “what does this have to do with me?”

Zach smiled and pulled out a saltshaker.

“if you create a salt circle around your apartment,,” he said “and dont leave any openings…… shane wont be able to get in. and if shane cant go anywhere… neither can ryan.”

“you have an excellent point for someone who isnt me”

“thank you. also, is it true that they share three–”

“yes.” quinta said “unfortunately i had to learn that”

what organs they shared, quinta didnt want to know

Zack looked at the salt in his hands “I wish this wasnt the last one”

“what?”

“yes,” zach said “the salt crisis and all…. theres a limited amount. i considered just, extracting some from you, but that would probably kill you”

It would, as quinta was All Salt.

“And I was gonna salt EugeneFeed with this too, but, yknow, what are they gonna do, break into the building?”


	6. Seasoning Finale, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lot of self-indulgent flirting. also, quinta isnt here because shes out having a good time, no spoilers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: season finale =/= the end. it will continue as usual, so do not fret... alas to my unfortunate subscribblers this saga twill never really cease

shane and ryan broke into the building

no matter how much evanescence they played back at the costco, ned still wasnt brought to life.

“I can’t believe it didnt work,” ryan said, “it literally says,IN THE SONG, ‘bring me to life’.”

“maybe you weren’t singing hard enough,” shane said, “i mean, i always have to carry us in karaoke”

“its literally NOT my fault i dont know all the words to ‘breaking free’”

so they had to improvise. and by ‘improvise’, they meant carry Ned around for a while

Shane carried him, fireman-style, because though Ryan was objectiveely stronger, ned’s head kept hitting the ground as they walked, and also, they were getting strange looks from the Costco security cameras.

“We didnt even kill him, jeez,” ryan said

“Costco doesnt know that.”

“yes she does.”

shane nodded

“You’re right. Costco Knows All.” (for those of you who are lucky enough to live in other countries, Costco is the american equivalent of government)

“Costco Knows All,” ryan repeated nervously.

They unsuspiciously snuck out as the cameras followed them, tracking their every move, and every time shane was stupid and inconsiderate enough to kick Ned in the face.

“watch the merchandise” ryan said

“you’re the merchandise,” shane winked. 

ryan smiled, mouthing a ‘shut up shane’ while elbowing him softly. shane kissed the top of his forehead.

“dont,” ryan said, laughing, “you’ll get Ned on me.”

* * *

anyways, right. Shane and Ryan broke into the building, yes. Back to the point. 

So they tried to go back to quinta’s apartment, but shane started convulsing and like “foaming at the mouth” and stuff, which really killed the Mood that they had established via Costco sex.

“DAMNIT,” shane said inbetween muscle spasm macarenas, “quinta put fucking SALT everywhere”

“how can you tell that from outside her apartment building,” ryan said

ned said nothing

“she must really hate us,” shane said

“Since when??? quinta loves us,” ryan said, “she even blinked in my general direction once”

“Ryan… you dont understand…. she salt-circled her apartment”

“so”

“SO THAT MEANS I CANT GO IN”

“That doesnt mean  _ i _ cant…”

“but will you.”

“...no,” ryan said quietly

“Exactly. Shes _ spiritually evicting  _ us,” shane said, “so now we dont have anywhere to live”

Ryan considered his options. Salt didnt affect _ him _ (as he was great with seasoning), but shane was right, he wouldnt live anywhere without his best co-host that he sometimes had sex with. there was living on the streets, but he could barely even survive in a heated tourist home with an entire buzzfeed crew. and of course, there was getting his own place, but with what money?

The only other place was–

“EugeneFeed,” shane said bitterly

“yea, there…” ryan said “Buzzfeed is our only home.”

“Was our only home.”

“So how do we get it back?”

“its simple,” shane said, “we gotta cuck eugene out of his own building.”

* * *

I’m not kidding this time, they  _ actually did _ break into the building. it wasnt technically clickbait

Shane and ryan stood on the roof of eugenefeed. while ryan held a ceiling tile open (the building be like that), shane held some string in one hand and ned in the other

“do you remember the plan,” shane asked, to his beautiful freezing counterpart

“no,” ryan said, “you only said, ‘we gotta cuck eugene out of his own building’, and then we just showed up here and told me to hold this open for you. i have no idea what the hell is going on and i just wanna go back to quintas”

“right,” shane said “glad to see we’re on the same page”

“What fucking page is that--”

“Shh,” shane said, pressing the String hand to ryan’s lips “ryan, sweetie, shut the fuck up. He’ll hear you”

ryan looked down. sure enough, beneath them, eugene sat in his usual desk, “entertaining” himself with a mirror

deep down, ryan wanted to look away, but even deeper down, between his hips and his upper thighs, it was kind of hot

“Snap out of it!” shane said while bombarded with brent flashbacks “its a trap!!!” 

“im so sorry,” ryan said, ashamed and horny, “you’re right, back to the plan”

Releeved, shane lowered Ned down with the string, slowly, but that was a lot on the wrist so ned just kinda collided with the floor

“Shane! What the FUCK are you doing–”

“Babe,” shane said, looking into his eyes “ _ i got this _ .”

ryan gulped, nodding. “you got this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i have finals this week, which really sucks and then i have to finish common app applications and... aaa! but all of you have made me so unbelievably happy... every single comment makes me smile a little brighter and continue 2 try. i hope yall have a really happy holidays. also, my tumblr is [here](https://conspiiracyhoe.tumblr.com/) if u wanna hmu!


	7. Seasoning Finale, part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had finals this week, as I mentioned before... I took my English one today, and it sort of sucked, because my English teacher is out to get me, and you know, it took a lot out of me to write this for some reason? idk but i really love the support ive been given so far, so like, here you go, sorry if it sucks

Eugene had, unfortunately, been interrupted.

There he was, in the middle of his Special Alone Time, when, out of absolutely nowhere, the corpse of Ned Blondeman smacked against his beautiful office floor, really killing the mood.

“helloooo... “ a voice from the ceiling said “tis i…. Ned Blondeman…. hear to haunt youuuu…”

Eugene took the same rifle he had used to assassinate Ned in the first place and shot the new gaping hole in his ceiling

“HOLY SHIT MY LEG” ryan bergara cried from the rooftop. shane poked his head through the hole, which eugene also attempted to shoot until shane literally caught the bullet with his giant Gumby hands

It still didnt stop him and Ryan from falling to the floor

“Well, well, well,” eugene said “if it isnt the grill boys”

“ghoul boys,” ryan corrected, bleeding

“whatever.”

Eugene crossed his arms and magically acquired pants 

“so why are you here,” he said, squinting at them. “other than to bother me during precious Eugene Time.”

Shane held up ned’s limp arm unethusically

“Uh huh. Thats why we have security guards,” eugene paused. “where is zach, anyways?”

“apparently not on the roof,” shane said.

“Id fire him if he wasnt so goddamn cute… anyways, what, did you just want to show me Ned’s corpse? because ive seen it already.”

“cut the bullshit, eugene,” ryan said, “did you or did you not kill him?”

eugene looked at him like he was stupid “yes. i killed him…. didnt quinta tell you this?”

“i dont recall,” he said

“whos quinta,” said shane

“it doesnt matter… a confession isnt evidence enough…” ryan said. “we’re trying to necromance him.”

Eugene turned to shane, surprisingly less horrified than he should be “isnt that the thing where you have sex with the–”

“NO holy shit,” he bleased “why does evreyone keep thinking that? look. i said i would fuck ghosts. id fuck aliens, cryptids, and ghosts. Not dead bodies. and certainly not ned in either state”

“Nobody said anything in reference to you,” eugene said

“OKAY LISTEN. I am bLEEDING out my goddamn legs?? literally bleeding, so can we please not dwell on things i did or did not say? ghost sex, butt stuff, necrophilia, wearing shane’s shirts underneath me at all times–”

“what was that last one?” shane said

“–its all irrelevant. we came here to… what did we come here to do, exactly?”

“something about cucks,” shane said

“Yeah. That.”

“So why did you bring Ned with you?” eugene asked, disgusted and looking at Ned, whos body was already beginning Rick and Morty.

“We wanted to bring him to life,” ryan said , copyright 2003 all rights reserved

he snorted, but somehow it was still really sexy. “Reviving Ned, huh.”

“Yes. Despite what livejournal dot com may tell you, Evanescence Doesnt Work.”

Eugene leaned back into his soft, cushiony chair and laughed maniacally. “Foolish human and… whatever the hell you are,” he said, looking shane up and down, “ned would Never wake up to evanescence. He would only Ever be revived by the classic song ‘i’m gonna be (500 miles)’ by the proclaimers.”

ryan and shane’s jaws dropped

“...I probably shouldn’t have said that.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not to be 2014 but eugene's laugh sounded like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-3BwUcSiAQ)


	8. Seasoning Finale, part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the last chapter of the Season Finale, Ryan and Shane have a normal, well-written fun time at EugeneFeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry late christmas everyone. i am so tired but on the bright side it really helped my writing. give me a book deal please

holy shit. it was possible. ned could, in fact, be risen to live again, and shane would get to stop carrying him around, taunting ryan with him, smacking his limbs to his flesh to make a satisfying meaty slap

ryan instantly whipped out his ~~dick~~ Blackberry and begged for Virgin Mobile to give him unshitty service

“so like, assuming you’re right,” shane said, looking directly at eugene from the heavens, “in what form”

“what”

“in what form will ned be revived,” shane said, ‘if it’s liquid, then we have a problem”

38% loaded…. youtube dot come testing his patience. Ryan sweat nervously, the beads traversing down his arm and mingling with his gaping wound juices

“why would he be in liquid form,” eugene asked

“its just a question,” shane said

“That is not just a question..”

42% loaded…. ryan, in anger, threw his Blackberry(™) on the groumd

41%. Maybe he should have celebrated hanukkah, because G-d would have liked him better

shane stretched out his arms sympithitcly and massaged his temples with his long ass fingers. ryan cried softly as ned decomposed

“This is pathetic,” eugene said, “even for you two.”

“If you think this is bad, you should have seen us yesterday,” shane said

Eugene, disgusted, lifted up a compartment on his desk, a small square cover for the official EugeneFeed eject button which i just invented now

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t eject you.”

“Entertainment value,”  shane said

“This is EugeneFeed. There is no entertainment value”

Eugene had an excellent point, ryan thought, as his delicate Eugene Finger glazed over the big red button like a Krispy Kreme donut. but he needed eugene to hold on for as long as possible, because Any Minute Now, his blackberry would begin to play the the blessed song, and ryan would be free of funeral expenses

“shane,” ryan whispered to his fellow homosexual companion, “distract him.”

“I can hear you,” said eugene, boringly

“Do something, please….  we only need 20% more…”

Shane nodded. He knew that this was his shining opportunity to save the day, which made up for every opportunity he had to be a good lover and instead locking ryan in some creepy ghost cell for Viewing Entertainment Pleasure

But once again, Shane majorly disappointed everyone, and the button was pressed.

Frantically, ryan scrambled to hold onto the slippery EugeneFeed floor (thanks, blood and other stuff). shane, with his giant fingers, scooted the blackberry to ryan

92%

“what the fuck???” eugene said, wheeling in his desk chair “why wont you people go down??”

It was a valid question, as ryan was clinging for life (shane just kinda didnt really care). at any moment, his hands would give out and he’d slip down to the very bottom of the warehouse, where they kept all the other rejected former buzzfeed employees

Eugene did not help matters by kicking him in the face

From eugene’s shoe, ryan squinted to see his phone. 96%. He gripped even tighter as Eugene pushed harder, whcih sounds incredibly sexual now that i type that but this is supposed to be a really tension filled scene so lets ignore that

98%. ryan could feel ned’s dead eyelids bore into him, rooting him on, or perhaps that was a side effect of rick and morty he just wasnt aware of.

Eugene became frustrated and started using both feet. Meanwhile, Shane, a useless loser, was bored and checked his messages

99%. ryans head became physically detached from his neck. but he didnt care. it was almost there, he just had to hold on a little bit longer–

and then

“When I wake up… well i know im gonna be… im gonna be the man who wakes up next to yuh….”

Youtube finally loaded. the sweet, unintelligable melody filled his eardrums as ryan relaxed. Slowly, eugene removed his feet, and ryan regained the status of having a head

“No…. this cant be happening,” he said

“hah, suck my ass, eugene” ryan said, victorious and half not kidding “we won.”

“...yeah!” shane said

“no, you dont understand….” eugene said “you dont understand what you’ve done

Even slowlier, the eyelids of Ned grew open, wide, until they all could see his pupils. they were so dilated it almost freaked ryan out if the whole rest of the situation wasnt already freaking him out enough

Ned blinked

and He Was Resurrected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was really hungry as i wrote this

**Author's Note:**

> sorry shane madej, i love you. also sorry 2 everyone else involved. i havent slept in four years and i think my organs failed while writing this


End file.
